The Full Story
The journey behind the medicine I create? Who am I? what's my story? read the novel below in its brutal and authentic light.
I hope by sharing my story you are no longer held back from sharing yours.
I have always been drawn to helping people having a career in disability services, mental health, youth work, I would sit, listen and comfort people through their pain.
Feeling my heart break for them hoping I could somehow save them whilst working in that space surrounded in all the red tape.
At that time in my life I was so disconnected from my own self, my own pain and trauma that I could always feel in my body, I explained it to my mum like a jelly back or this creepy crawly feeling that would wash over me and I had no idea where it came from, I just thought I was depressed maybe there was no reason as to why… I must just be a sad person??
I hated looking at myself in the mirror, I hated my smile (probs to years of being bullied due to it kids are fucking mean sometimes!) my entire body having surgery to somehow magically make me feel better about myself yet somehow that didn’t work! So instead of facing the trauma I fought it, I numbed it with writing myself off every weekend so much so half the time I wouldn’t know what I was doing, who I was with, waking up in horrendous places not knowing how on earth I got there.
I absolutely hated sex! I often had to be drunk to get to some level of relaxed before I could try and get some sort of enjoyment out of it which never happened tho I made it out like it did to please others! It was like my body was there but my soul was not. At that time in my life, I had a partner who absolutely adored me, I was safe for the first time in my life, and I didn’t know it at the time but that petrified me, so much so I had to hurt a beautiful human out of my own fear in the process of searching for myself who was nowhere to be found.
From there I went on another journey I decided this pain on the inside must be because I am unworthy or capable of receiving love, feeling joy and happiness and feeling beautiful in my skin.
I ended up in a relationship which was a reflection of that pain I had always carried, I was shamed for my appearance a lot of the time being reminded if I did this to my face or my body I would be more attractive.. I would get put down and made to feel unworthy just like I thought I deserved. I accepted a lot in that relationship looking back now that I know I shouldn’t of but I was so desperate to be loved by someone who couldn’t give it and I also couldn’t allow myself to receive it. At one point I was working 3 jobs whilst 9 months pregnant, supporting someone with addiction issues I remember multiple times looking at myself going kayla how the actual FUCK did you end up in this messy lifestyle this is not you and you actually do deserve a shit load more!! I asked myself how do I get out of this mess? How do I turn my life around for my 2 beautiful babies? Somehow the universe listened and there was a event that took place that made me have to walk away before it got any worse for the both of us, for our kids walking away took a lot of strength and bravery it was one of the hardest but essential steps to take in regaining my inner strength.
There was a lot that happened during those years that I worked on forgiving him and myself and I honestly can say I honor his journey now and the growth I can see happening for him, I no the light I saw buried under his pain would emerge it just wouldn’t happen with me and you know what that’s ok.
Once I left I was feeling more in alignment with my path then ever before, this darkness had lifted and I felt free, I felt alive I felt like I could achieve the big dreams id always had. I was like super mum on my own started working on my creations released my book, made solid friendships and repaired the ones id lost due to the life I was previously NOT living.
Eventually I met a guy who made me laugh, made me feel like I was beautiful and nothing about me needed to change. He looked after us so much so that my brain decided it was safe enough to unleash the suppressed trauma it had somehow protected me from up until this point in time.
The gates to my past had swang open, I explain it like the voice of god like ligit sounds like this the masculine loud voice who comes in and tells me when shits about to get real. Id only heard it once before when it told me to unplug my seat belt and move to the middle seat NOW and I did, had I not I would not be here today that car wrapped around he tree right where I was sitting so this time when it came in, in all its form and glory KAYLA GO AND SIT OUTSIDE IT IS TIME TO REVEAL THE TRUTH, YOU ARE READY, YOU WILL BE HELD, REMEMBER TO BREATHE THROUGH THE PROCESS
I was nervous but new I would be ok I thought hmmmm it must be something to do with a person due to legal reasons I can not insinuate in anyway shape or form who these characters I will now speak of are anyway so im thinking it was the creepo who played a big part in my life that would often get naked stand behind me intimidate me and then eventually leading to more inappropriate behaviours. I thought surely its got to be about them right? Maybe there's more to that story so I was like yep im ready to enter the apocalypse!!
Realizing as soon as I accepted this mission that I was wrong, very wrong! I entered into this space that I would explain like a time capsule it was like I had stepped into this vortex and was flying through space and time, tho I knew exactly where I was going, I instantly wanted to abort the mission but it was to late, everything flooded in everything opened, everything I had made myself forget rose to the surface in a matter of seconds. My entire body went into convulsion, my heart felt like it exploded and burst into a million pieces, I felt like my soul literally snapped in half, even still writing this makes me shake the pain is still there and maybe parts of it always will be. I laid on the floor of my verandah screaming at the top of my lungs as the 28 years of suppressed energy was released from deep within.
I understood WHY I was always so hurt, I got why I was so scared to feel beautiful, sexy, confident, why I was petrified to received love because my trust, my innocent love as a child was taken and I had been manipulated by guilt to hide this even from myself. I was ashamed, I felt guilt that was not mine to hold, the people pleasing, the sabotage, the distrust that I had in people, I knew why I believed that eventually everyone would hurt me.
This whole time I had been trying to fill this hole inside me when I realized in that moment all I was looking for was me, I was waiting for a time in life that I truly knew I was ready to receive the shadows and not be crippled by them but to face them with bravery, courage and regain my strength.
The weeks that followed were the hardest weeks of my life, if you can experience what felt like death but still be living that’s what it was like.
I struggled to accept what had happened, I wanted to wake up from the nightmare, I wanted to cling on to the old ways of doubt that I was used to holding. I made excuses for the actions that happened to me and dusted it off thinking maybe what happened wasn’t that bad, maybe this person didn’t know, maybe they were just mucking around and it was all just a innocent joke of inappropriate behavior, but I knew deep down it was not ok! I knew I would never do those things that were done to me and in those moments, I would sink to the actual pits of hell! I would be trying to be a mum, partner, friend and id be ok one moment then the next I would fall to the floor I would scream my lungs out, I would sob, sob, sob and sob sometimes I would just lay on the floor numb, unable to speak I just wanted it all to end, but… I knew I needed to get up I needed to keep moving and healing not just for my babies but for ME.
I spent the next year and a bit trying to heal and we all know what that’s like we have the highs, the lows, the denial, the acceptance it all comes in waves.
We do things we regret, we live, we learn and keep on learning. I thought being able to accept what happened meant I had to let this person back in my life, I didn’t know what that could even possibly look like but I thought id better give it a go, surely that would heal me more then ever before, after all forgiveness is supposed to be the answer to all yer? But I later found out it most definitely was not I only realized in the last few days that the forgiveness I was searching for wasn’t for me to actually forgive them it was for me to forgive me.
I needed to forgive me from not believing me when my mind tried to show me before the apocalypse moment, it was for me for allowing myself to feel so hurt, so sad all the time and to not allow myself to feel happiness for majority of my life, forgiveness to myself for handing over my power without even being aware that that’s what I was doing.
My friend told me through all this healings you’ve been doing such as womb work, akasha aka auyuska, reiki, meditations inviting the love in but you haven’t actually sat with the pain its self, you haven’t allowed yourself to feel those pits of hell to be able to truly let go, you need to sit with the pain face it and bond with it, make it your power force as to why it is you do what you do. Embrace this wound as your divinity, your magic in all that you create for the work you are not only doing now but the work in the future.
This hit home it felt like ancient medicine running through every single cell that exists in me, a deep sense of trust, of knowing that washes over your body like ohhhh hey there you must be my medicine all part of why I have returned to earth from the sparkly higher realms… okkkkkkkkkk ill listen now.
I know whole heartedly that I was put here to help others be able to sit with their pain, really sit, feel, awaken that ancient side to them to create and magnify their path of abundance.
Im thankful to my partner who picked me up off the floor, who has held me through this whole ordeal and yet still hasn’t run away! Ive loved watching him become more open to everything in life through this process, I feel like my pain I have been struggling with has also been a beautiful part of his awakening, the unfolding of communication that has come through.. things a lot of us are to scared to speak about, the inner secret thoughts, their connections out side of their relationships, their sexual desires exploring while healing and most importantly enjoying, craving the intimacy on all levels, I am sorry I almost ran away from the best thing that has happened to me aka Ads but am also humbled for that period of learning about myself and what that did for us. Our trauma we all experience big or small effects our lives, its up to us to be brave enough to go to those places that hurt and are uncomfortable.
So much restriction has been put on so many of us as free creatures, the judgement, doubt, conditioning that been handed down its tough to break the chains, we need to remember that we are allowed to open and freely express ourselves through our communication.
We need to invite intimacy into our relationships and let people see who you really are, our sexuality isn’t just about sex its about our creation exploring those wild places, let us open to the magic of feeling our creative flow.
If there has been blocks around those areas explore them, touch your body, love it and let the shame go!
You are loved, you are supported, and you are definitely beautiful in every way.
What would you do if you allowed yourself to open to a whole other level? You would shine so bright others would eventually want to know what you are doing, it’s the ripple effect of love.
I feel is the time to step up, be the beacon, no shame just radiating all of you, the flaws and beauty all the magic in your life that has been a part of your becoming. No more hiding!!! Allow yourself to be seen, be the phoenix and rise from those ashes and say… Hello world, this is me and I am POWERFUL as FUCK!
I believe the discomfort within often leads to our greatest beauty xx